12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

More from the masters - here are ones I’m trying to learn:

• All successful relationships require some work. – They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves.  They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their minds and hearts.  Open communication and honesty is the key.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
• You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in someone’s life. – Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will create one for you.
• There is a purpose for everyone you meet. – Some people will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you; but most importantly some will bring out the best in you.  Learn to see and accept the differences between these people, and carry on accordingly.
• You are in full control of your own happiness. – If your relationship with yourself isn’t working, don’t expect your other relationships to be any different.  Nobody else in this world can make you happy.  It’s something you have to do on your own.  And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.  If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece is missing.  Your partner can never ‘complete’ you because you are already whole.  The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.  (Read Stumbling on Happiness.)
• Forgiving others helps YOU. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
• Small gestures of kindness go a long way. – Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get.  Every day you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by making small gestures to show your appreciation and affection.  Remember, making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  Your kindness and gratitude matters.
• Even the best relationships don’t last forever. – People don’t live forever.  Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you.  You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you.  And remember, just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.

Trust and Awkwardness

You know how most people say that the chances of couples getting back together (after horrible breakups) have a slim-to-zero chance of making it?

Well now I’m beginning to understand why.

I simply can’t pull the trigger on moving back to CA. Something is holding me back from making a decision that I was completely ready to do last January.

I’m terrified that I’m making a mistake, that he’ll change his mind, that it won’t work out -  and I’m completely paralyzed over it. I just can’t trust that any of this is real yet. It feels like I’m his contingency plan - if he were happy, would he still want me here? If he cheated on me when we were happy - what’s stopping him from doing it when times get tough? And frankly, that seems to his excuse every time (we were in a fight, you weren’t texting me back, etc). If I’m the love of his life - why does he show me almost zero affection? He makes me feel small, insignificant and completely taken for granted. I want to feel adored. I want him to be happy to see me. I want him to be the one to bring this stuff up. And I want us to have fun again.

So what the fuck am I doing here? 

I’m here because I still want to fight for this. Because I still believe that we can build a great life together. Because I know that I’m no victim in all of this - that I’m doing it to him too. Because even with all the mistakes, indiscretions and shitty things that have happened, there’s still more good here than bad. And because I’m in love with him.

It feels almost like we’re both waiting on the other to woo them back - to make the big apology, make the grand gesture and start over with a clean slate of forgiveness.

He even asked what he could do to rebuild my trust and I had no clue where to start. I googled it and found mostly trite advice…Never lie…Don’t omit important details…Volunteer information…Be dependable. No shit, sherlock.

But then I found something that resonated:

Learn to really trust yourself. If you don’t trust yourself, meaning your ability to have good judgment and to make good choices, how can you trust someone else? Just keep in mind that once your trust has been violated, your defenses start working overtime to protect yourself. Pay closer attention to your instincts and keep working on building trust in yourself.

Grieve. When a loved one dies, the natural grieving process tends to come in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages can also occur when you lose trust in someone. Don’t fight any of these stages. You’ll usually get through all of them – with time. Forgiveness can also be added as the sixth stage in regards to trust.  

Stop labeling yourself the victim. If you’ve been betrayed, you are the victim of your circumstance. But there’s a difference between being a victim and living with a “victim mentality.” At some point in all of our lives, we’ll have ourtrust tested or violated. Some people choose to wallow in the sting of betrayal while others make an effort to overcome it. If you choose to become a wallower, you will stifle your ability to truly heal because you’ll end up angry and blaming everyone else for something you actually have more control over than you think. 

You didn’t lose “everything.” When we’re severely betrayed, such as being cheated on in a relationship, we tend to feel like we have lost everything that means anything to us. Once trust is lost, what is left? Instead of looking at the situation from this hopeless angle, look at everything you still have and be thankful for all of the good in your life. Seeing the positive side of things doesn’t mean you’re ignoring what happened.

Keep your expectations high. Avoid situations that share the same pattern of circumstance where your trust was violated. On the flip side, it’s also important to recognize that just because you’ve been violated before doesn’t mean it will automatically happen again. You have to stop the harmful belief that any new relationship will end up the same way. If you fall into this way of thinking, not only will you sell yourself short, but you may also throw away a great possibility because you’re too scared of being hurt again. Also, remember that when you give someone the best, you deserve the best in return. Don’t settle for anything less. Losing trust in someone can have a devastating effect on your relationship, as well as your sense of self-worth, but building trust in a relationship again is possible. 

It takes a willingness to work on both yourself and your betrayer, but trust can be won back.

So ok, this is helpful. I’m willing - now I just need to explore the process and see where it leads.

When you’re told you’re overreacting..

99problemsbutapitchaintone:

HBR: The Myths That Prevent Change

EXCERPT:

You probably think that the barriers to innovation are negative elements of your organization — that is, the wrong people, behaviors, and processes. But the most subtle and pernicious barriers to innovation may be the seemingly positive myths about what has made your organization successful.

Every organization has myths about who are the great leaders, what are the behaviors to admire and imitate, what business you are in, what customers want, what are the best skills to run a process. Whenever someone proposes an idea, it is explicitly or implicitly screened with the myths. Unfortunately, the competitive landscape changes, but the myths don’t.

…

Myths are pernicious barriers to innovation because they are so deeply and silently embedded in an organization that they almost hypnotize it. I’ve been recently inspired by I miti del nostro tempo (The Myths of Our Time), a book by the Italian philosopher Umberto Galimberti. He says that “myths are ideas that own and govern us by means that are not logical but psychological, and therefore are rooted in the depths of our soul. These are ideas that we have mythologized because they give no problems, they facilitate judgment; in a word, they reassure us.”

Galimberti talks of individuals. But the same dynamics happen in organizations.

What’s the remedy? Galimberti’s advice is that because “myths prevent us from deeply understanding the world … we must therefore put our myths under critical scrutiny…”

Identify the myth to be challenged.

Myths are often connected to the parameters you use to judge an idea. So identify the parameter that makes this idea wrong. For example, imagine you are a leader in a corporation that produces industrial robots and someone proposes the bizarre idea of using robotic arms in amusement parks to swirl people around on scary rides. This idea conflicts with a major myth in your industry: Value comes from safety, which involves keeping robots and humans apart.

Now, instead of challenging the idea, try the opposite: Challenge the myth. For example, what if there is a value in industrial robots being dangerous? What if there is a value in bringing humans close to them?

Seek an outside perspective. 

Given that myths are deeply rooted into your organization, it’s hard for you to criticize them. You need to look at the myth through third parties’ eyes. So ask someone outside your company to answer the questions posed above. You might ask designers of amusement parks or experts on virtual games about the value of using robots in amusement-park rides. They will tell you that people in amusement parks value the feeling of defying scary machines and the unpredictable movements of robotic arms.

Reconsider the outlandish idea.

Be nice to your myths; the purpose of this exercise is not to destroy the myths but to reinterpret them. Leverage the idea of a robot being dangerous by creating a scary ride with fearsome sounds. But of course, make sure the ride is totally safe.

Read the full post here.

The Ten Habits of Passionate People

Great blog post from Pick the Brain:

We are creatures of habits. Our human nature always looks for ways to create patterns and do things on autopilot. Habits are what differentiate successful people from others. The habits that you’ve developed in the LOST phase – where you used to wander aimlessly without a clear passion or purpose – won’t help you build a life of passion. That’s why you need to develop a new set of habits to serve you in your newly passionate pursuit.

Here are the habits I’m still working on (unfortunately, it’s the majority of the list)…

1. Wake Up Early:

The sun has not caught me in bed in fifty years.  ~Thomas Jefferson

Passionate people are usually early risers. There is something magical in rising early, and preferably at dawn. This peaceful period before the rest of the world wake up can be the most productive period of your day. When I started the habit of waking up early at 4:30 am everyday, I felt like I was not living before. The amount of progress, inner peace, and joy that I experienced all the day made me regret the years in which the sun always caught me in bed!

3. Simplify

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.  ~Hans Hofmann

Simplify everything is your work and life. Start by eliminating the unnecessary. Everything that has nothing to do with your passion and purpose should be eliminated. They shouldn’t occupy any space in your daily life, because they are just a waste of time, energy and money. When you have less needs, and you learn to enjoy more with less, you’ll increase your financial independence too.

4. Slow Down

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.  ~Lily Tomlin

You can never embrace a life of passion in the middle of a busy, stressful, and chaotic environment. You must find some quiet time for yourself. Slow down and listen to your inner voice. Slow down and evaluate your progress. Slow down and maintain your focus on what matters most. If you could develop the habit of waking up early, you’ll find it easier to develop this habit. You can easily find time to breathe, reflect and meditate.

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.  ~John De Paola

5. Workout

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it.  ~Plato

Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.  ~Edward Stanley

Health care is very important. So many people follow their passion with great enthusiasm, but they put too much pressure on their body and ignore their overall health and well being. They think they are supposed to work really hard to fulfill their purpose and grow their passion. These are good intentions, but you should be aware that if you don’t take care of your body, it will soon collapse and this will not serve your passion well. Health care should be on top of your priorities to maintain a good, prosperous and passionate lifestyle.

9. Be Prolific

Over 300 banks refused and the 303rd bank agreed to give Walt Disney a fund to build Disney Land. Over 1000 restaurants refused and the 1010th restaurant agreed to use Colonel Sanders’s chicken recipe that changed the eating habits of the whole world with KFC. It took him over a million images spanning 35 years, before Steve McCurry’s photo of Sharbat Gula (The Afgan Girl) was globally recognized and linked to Leonardo da Vinci’s painting of the Mona Lisa. 134 publishers rejected Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen’s Chicken Soup for the Soul before it turns into a mega all-time bestseller. Edison made 1,000 (or 10,000) unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. During his life time, Vincent Van Gogh sold only one painting for a very small amount of money. Today, his over 800 known works bring in hundreds of millions. Mozart died with little to his name. Today, his over 600 pieces of music are considered some of the best ever created! Can you see a pattern here? If you want to turn your passion into a worldwide sensation, you got to be prolific and never give up. Keep producing great work, and one may take the world by surprise and make you a globally recognized star. Produce more work than anyone could think humanly possible. I consider this the secret habit of champions (or legends).

Now my question to you is this: what habit has made the biggest difference for you?

When your client freaks out about something said in a taped interview..

99problemsbutapitchaintone:

They’re like..